The end of the year is here. My finals are over, the grades are being posted. Everyone's gone home. I'm sitting in a cluttered room, filled with boxes and furniture, only some of which is my own. It should be my room, but it's not my room until it is rooted through, organized, set up and painted. Until I've actually unpacked my suitcases and set up my things. And gotten my siblings crap out of it.
And I probably start working in a couple days. I need more slacks for that.
Back to working and hanging out w/the fam during the day, perhaps lay sprawled out in bed, as I am now, reading a book (of which i have many to read this summer), and then at night I'll be here online, talking to my friends, that I cannot see or hang out with.
However, it is summer, and it will be nice weather, we actually have a front porch now to sit on and drink my tea and read my books. I will visit my cousins and chill at the lake for a week, which is always nice. I can go into the city and spends hours walking through the art galleries. I will have no classes, tests, or guys to stress over. Or at least I shouldn't be stresses over them. And I'm not, because stressing isn't the right word for it. I'm not stressing.
To be truthfully honest, I check Jimmy's myspace every once and a while. To see what he's up to. Trying to come up with a story in my head about what's happening to him, through the little comments made on his page. I know I should stop, that it's not really helping anything. Because he hasn't talked to me in 2 months. It's just that I wish I still had that connection with him. That I had someone to be with that was like that, or how I picture it to be in my head. And that's just ridiculous because of course it isn't real. He isn't who I need him to be, or else he would have picked me instead of her. Sometimes I still wonder why, was it the redhair? was she deeper than me? was I too young? we like the same music, and have some of the same interests, me and this girl. This beautiful girl that made him stop talking to me.
I know I need to stop looking at it, but I just wish I had closure. My friend Emily keeps bitching about our friend, her roommate, Andrea, who obsesses over her semi-ex boyfriend who she never had closure with and still lives in the same dorm. We hear it all the time because she always brings it up. But you see, we all have our little obsessions.
I mean I've met guys since him, been with them, even had a boyfriend for a week. But they weren't what I wanted, or they just didn't work out period. Being the end of the year, I should have expected as much. It's not like I need someone, I'm generally happy these days. It would just be nice.
But everything will work itself out.
I the meantime I'm going to enjoy this silence, this time to myself. And I'm going to buy ACL tickets. And go to work dressed up, file paper. Talk to my family. Think to myself.
"An invisible kite string connects me to you.."