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Candy stripe a cancer ward

it's not my problem




June 20th, 2007

searching for signs of life but there's nobody home

why is it that when we talk, I am always the one to do the asking?
like a two way mirrow in police questioning. I ask the questions and you just talk, look at your reflection and talk about yourself. And of course I wanted to hear about it.
I'm just wondering if any one actually wondered about me.
If I stop talking to people, would anyone worry? would anyone take iniative?
I'd get too bored to actually try it. But
Maybe a break from online living is what I need.

May 18th, 2007

We're overrated, anyway

I sleep too much.

And all of my furniture has been pushed to the center of the room. My room is an island. Surrounded by a mote. Of carpet. And blue tape. And no, I'm not being poetic. It's just strange. Because we're painting my room tomorrow. Some form of accomplishment.

I can't seem to figure out what exactly my boss wants me to do. He sits there and talks about having a work plan and goes on and on..about nothing in particular, like he's trying to make a point and never makes it. An hour goes by, and he stops talking and smiles at me and is like Okay, we're done you can go now. And I walk out of there clueless. And feeling silly for only coming to the office for a damn hour. I packed a lunch. What happened to regular hours? what am I supposed to be doing? I don't get it.

It's cold and wet outside, I don't like it. I have to wear socks just to walk around the house. I hate socks, but I hate cold feet more.

I think I'm going to make some tea and go back to bed, in my scrunched up little room. Maybe I'll keep it this way. I don't even have to sit at a chair to type on my laptop on the desk, I just crawl over on the bed. More convenient, no?

May 13th, 2007

The end of the year is here. My finals are over, the grades are being posted. Everyone's gone home. I'm sitting in a cluttered room, filled with boxes and furniture, only some of which is my own. It should be my room, but it's not my room until it is rooted through, organized, set up and painted. Until I've actually unpacked my suitcases and set up my things. And gotten my siblings crap out of it.
And I probably start working in a couple days. I need more slacks for that.
Back to working and hanging out w/the fam during the day, perhaps lay sprawled out in bed, as I am now, reading a book (of which i have many to read this summer), and then at night I'll be here online, talking to my friends, that I cannot see or hang out with.
However, it is summer, and it will be nice weather, we actually have a front porch now to sit on and drink my tea and read my books. I will visit my cousins and chill at the lake for a week, which is always nice. I can go into the city and spends hours walking through the art galleries. I will have no classes, tests, or guys to stress over. Or at least I shouldn't be stresses over them. And I'm not, because stressing isn't the right word for it. I'm not stressing.
To be truthfully honest, I check Jimmy's myspace every once and a while. To see what he's up to. Trying to come up with a story in my head about what's happening to him, through the little comments made on his page. I know I should stop, that it's not really helping anything. Because he hasn't talked to me in 2 months. It's just that I wish I still had that connection with him. That I had someone to be with that was like that, or how I picture it to be in my head. And that's just ridiculous because of course it isn't real. He isn't who I need him to be, or else he would have picked me instead of her. Sometimes I still wonder why, was it the redhair? was she deeper than me? was I too young? we like the same music, and have some of the same interests, me and this girl. This beautiful girl that made him stop talking to me.
I know I need to stop looking at it, but I just wish I had closure. My friend Emily keeps bitching about our friend, her roommate, Andrea, who obsesses over her semi-ex boyfriend who she never had closure with and still lives in the same dorm. We hear it all the time because she always brings it up. But you see, we all have our little obsessions.
I mean I've met guys since him, been with them, even had a boyfriend for a week. But they weren't what I wanted, or they just didn't work out period. Being the end of the year, I should have expected as much. It's not like I need someone, I'm generally happy these days. It would just be nice.
But everything will work itself out.
I the meantime I'm going to enjoy this silence, this time to myself. And I'm going to buy ACL tickets. And go to work dressed up, file paper. Talk to my family. Think to myself.
"An invisible kite string connects me to you.."

March 28th, 2007

So it's been officially over 1 week since I stopped talking to Jimmy.
I haven't called, texted, or IMed him. And he hasn't to me, which furthers the proof that he has moved on. And so should I.
I've really wanted to call him. But I haven't. I am going to do this.
In the meantime school is keeping me overworked and stressed enough to not think about it very much anyway.
Due to the whole of the situation, boy frustrations plus 2 papers in 2 weeks- one being due in 2 days that I have not started, a major art project due today, a test yesterday and on the following Monday, and a presentation on Friday, I have allowed myself what Andrea, Emily, and I have dubbed Frustration Cigarettes. This tradition started with Andrea and Emily, and now I have joined them. There is nothing like girl venting and pink cigarettes.
What I find funny is that I directly bought my first pack of cigarettes and I was not even carded. In fact the guy behind the counter flirted with me. Maybe it's because I chose the girly cigarettes, who knows, I thought it was cute.
Anyway, back to that paper...dun dun DUN.
If I have gone crazy by Friday, someone save me.

March 20th, 2007

So apparently I am hopeless.
I am beyond all hope.
Apparently there are no solutions to stop thinking about someone.
How do you get yourself to stop caring?
What is wrong with me anyway?
I make no sense whatsoever.

March 14th, 2007

I feel like a completely different person when I'm at home in Virginia. It's like everything here is in some kind of stasis. Everything is quiet and regulated. My mother goes to the gym at the same time, brother and sister go to school and come back at the same time, dad gets back at the same time, we have dinner at the same time, everyone gathers around the television, and at ten o'clock everyone goes to their rooms. Our outings are comprised of trips to the mall, grocery store, and church. Nothing has changed. I don't even know why I've expected it to. I just feel like I'm on Mute. Even my friends here, they haven't seen me be in any other state of being, so being with them is no help. I was reserved in Virginia, partly because I had to be, partly because no one opened up to me.
Being in school in Texas, for me is like being in a constant state of motion. I'm always fast-walking to get to class on time, walking to the tune of my music, talking with friends, getting projects finished, eating with friends, running errands, calling people, going out, or just going to see people. There's always something to do, something to be done. Possibilites on the weekend- who do I want to hang out with, do I go to a big party or a small party, do I stay in Austin or go up to Heights and see people. Time has passed so incredibly fast, I almost can't believe it. But I do because so much has happened in that time. I've been through so many different situations, different people. I don't know if it changes anything about me, or if that experience will be beneficial to me in the future. I just feel more like who I want to be when I'm there.
But my family is definitely part of who I am, so much of my life is made up of time with them, and only certain few people can say they really know that part of me. They've experienced it with me. Ashlin, Amanda, and Mark are probably the only ones who do. They know how when I'm at home, I can't lie well to my parents, I don't go out, I can stay in bed all day reading a single book, how I help my mom with the dishes because my sister still isn't made to, and how my brother and I talk about everything and just watch movies together.

I want to meet someone who I like and think is is interesting to want to get to know these things about me. To really know me, and to find me interesting because of that.

My problem is that the guys who like me and would like to know these things...I'm not so fascinated by them.
My problem is that the guys I like and find interesting aren't that intrigued by me, or they just don't like me enough to bother finding out about me.
And for now, I'm just going to have to deal with that, because there is no immediate or foreseeable solution.

February 28th, 2007

I hate guys.
I hate this.
I hate emotions.
Woke up to a nasty email from Andrew that started my day off in tears. Eventually it was resolved and I still love that boy.
But Jimmy on the other hand.
So apparently he does not really dig me.
Because he made plans to hang with me tonight and help me film for my project, we talked on the phone before he said he'd leave.
And he did not show.
The boy I can't stop thinking about it.
And so I wait, wait like the dawn, how it aches to meet the day.
I feel like a fucking idiot.
Why do I keep doing this to myself?

-In Jimmy's defense, he actually came to get me as I finished writing this blog. Because the blog reflects my mood at the time, and because that last question is *still* in the air, the blog remains posted as the original.
He did help me with my project, and it is finished. Whether or not he still likes me however is yet to be determined.

February 21st, 2007

I'm the most horrible person.
I have a massive craving for physical attention that cannot be curbed.
I have no problem being single when I am able to flirt and makeout with whoever I want.
But when I'm in a relationship, I need some kind of intimacy. It doesn't have to involve that much emotion. I just need that person to by my outlet for physicalness.
The only thing that fucked it up was the Jimmy thing confusing me.
After that, I just wanted to feel that someone thought me worthy enough to be with as a girlfriend.
And what do you know! I found it. But though this guy is sweet and will most likely be extremely good to me, there is no spark. Though I'm comfortable talking to him, we don't have a terrible lot in common. Nothing about him really that makes me weak in the knees.
To use a Grey's analogy- He is a George. Except a virgin George.
Though he's not completely clueless, he still doesn't know how to turn me on. And it's slightly frustrating.
To make matters worse, there is a guy- the great salsa dancer- who has been flirting with me, in full knowledge that I now have a boyfriend. And what's worse is he's good. I know he's good. He knows he's good. He kissed me even before my boyfriend kissed me. He does not even lie about what he is- he fools around with girls as a pastime. He is the bad boy. And god, I wish I weren't attracted to him.
He knows my boyfriend will be out of town this weekend, and he wants to see me. Oh bad sign. Bad bad very bad. This is another good reason to go to Heights this weekend. Though that might backfire, seeing as how I'll be spending time with young GI's and hopefully getting very very drunk. The drinking will at least help with this whole thinking too much thing.
Not to be outdone, my best male friend/first boyfriend, Mark has decided to kick up my notch of mental confusion. We spend a great deal of time together simply because we know each other so well and have most things in common in manners of what we like to do in our spare time and music, etc. It has been years since I felt any sort of physical attraction towards him. Thus the reason why I let him pass out in my bed last night, knowing it meant nothing in particular and nothing would happen.
Of course, I never do the smartest things when it comes to guys, but this was something that probably shouldn't have been done- mainly because I got an email from him today, saying he's fine with a platonic relationship with me but still managed to say that I'm the *only* person he knows he can spend the rest of his life with.

Why can't I just be a lesbian? Seriously?

January 31st, 2007

So, introducing Jimmy to Harker Heights the way I did might not have been ideal, but I still had a good time. We spent almost 6 hours in Starlite though- a club/bar that 99% of the time plays country. Not exactly what either of us are into, but Amanda and her bf (a new one- fresh off the assembly line) insisted on going and going early. The after party was interesting was mainly because I had never seen Manda drunk before. Oh, and I met an honest-to-god Rodeo Clown. Yes. I do believe there are pictures out there somewhere with all of us.
Though the intro was a bit of an unuasual experience, Jimmy is at least still talking to me, hah so that's a good sign. We slept all day after the party at his place, and I think I must have slept funny at some point because the muscle arouond my right should blade kiiiiills. Ack. I need to start doing yoga again.
But unfortunately I also have to do a shitload of reading for my classes, not to mention art projects due next week and a psych test on Tuesday. Fun fun.
Why is it that when I first like someone and things seem to be going well that I'm scared shitless of pushing him away. Like I don't want to call him too much or IM too much, or be too this or that, ect. I wish I would at least know which way it's going so I can get past this stage. But it doesn't work like that. It annoys me. I'm not even sure I know what I want exactly. I don't know.
Now that I have someone else to distract me, I have absolutely no problems hanging out with Andrew. It has lost it's akwardness and has just become comfortable because I have stopped expecting things. So we can just sit around and talk or watch Scrubs in bed and there's no problem, no schitzo thinking, just friendness. I still can't help but notice him for his physical features sometimes, but now it doesn't drive me crazy as much as it used to. So I am good. There you go. I knew this was what I needed.

January 26th, 2007


The cure to a cold equals: lots of sleep, lots of water, lots of advil, and lots of kisses.
Trust me on this one.
I think I've finally found a good one and it makes me happy.
Thanks again Sofie for takin to the party, lol. Wouldn't have met him otherwise. ; D
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